


To the End

by Ryu_Reikai_Akuma



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Character Death, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-05-25
Packaged: 2018-01-26 11:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1686680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma/pseuds/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some stories aren't meant to be. Thorin's love story with Kili was one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To the End

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Final
> 
> I'm still recovering from working on 150 pages of work document in one day. If you spot any mistake, please let me know here or in [my tumblr](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com). This fic is based on a poem I wrote. It's in the note at the end.
> 
> This fic is dedicated to my One in heaven.

Thorin didn’t know how he knew or when it started. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember any moment of realization. It felt as if it had been there all along, embedded in his being, attached to his existence, as natural as breathing. To him, he had always loved Kili.

He knew it was ridiculous. He had spent nearly a century on his own, never longing for any company. He had friends and family and, most of all, responsibilities. He had never thought he had any need for a lover in his life, certainly he never thought he would find his heart taken by his sister-son.

Kili, the young dwarf Thorin had trained, scolded, taught, cared for, and, finally, loved. Kili who always looked at him as if he was the greatest dwarf to ever walked Middle Earth, a dwarf who had never committed a singled mistake or burdened by past and future of a land he no longer had. Kili who always tried to make him laugh when his heart was burdened by memory; who always gave his best when given an order; who always, for reasons unknown to Thorin, tried to please him. Kili whose smile and laughter gave him hope and joy, whose sadness always broke his heart, whose affection kept him moving on.

Thorin didn’t blame Kili for not feeling a smidgeon of the affection he felt for him. That’s not the point at all. All Thorin wanted was to teach and watch him become a better person, an admirable dwarf loved and admire by all; love and fail many times, before finally finding one who stole his heart as much as he had stolen Thorin’s.

Kili’s smile to the dwarf lass was different from his other smiles. He looked at her as if ever word that left her mouth was a poem, every touch was a whisper of the finest silk on skin, every look was a glance at paradise, and every action a dance of perfection. He spoke of her as if she’s the most incredible person he had ever known and spoke to her with a smile that could only come from deep within a soul in love. He treated her as if she was a princess of a not-lost kingdom, with love, admiration and veneration.

It was everything Thorin hoped for. After many years, Kili’s search for love was over. Thorin felt no jealousy. He saw contentment in Kili’s eyes and celebrated it with the wisdom and sincerity of one who would always love, but whose love story ended before it began.

* * *

Thorin was well aware of his duties and the hopes people placed on him. He had disappointed others enough with his decisions as their leader and as his own person. They expected a wife and children from him, and he had denied them those. He could not announce that his heart was taken by his own nephew. He dreaded to think what people would do if they knew. The worst thing was Thorin knew he wouldn’t face much repercussion, but he couldn’t say the same for Kili, and if there’s anything he begged for in solitude, it’s peace and joy in Kili’s life, the kind Thorin never had, the kind he never could give the lad. No, he could not let his people know.

Most of all, he must not let Kili know. He knew the young dwarf well enough to know it would cause him grief and guilt. He might even offer empty hope to ease Thorin’s longing. But Thorin had no desire for fake affection borne from sympathy and, more than anything, he had no desire to burden Kili more than he already did. He had asked enough of the lad-his loyalty, courage, and honor for Erebor-he couldn’t ask for forced love. So Thorin used harsh words sometimes to create distance, to never let Kili or anyone else so much as suspect anything. It hurt to see Kili’s disappointment, but was better this way.

Yet, somehow Dwalin knew. He knew Thorin very well, he had claimed. He had been observing and he knew exactly what he saw. Thorin had initially denied everything when his friend asked, but eventually when the warrior proved to not judge him for what he couldn’t control, he confessed the truth. He spoke and spoke, for what might be hours, of little moments he treasured, of every word tattooed in his heart, of every smile and gaze he memorized, of his ultimate wish of making Kili happy in any way he could. Thorin hadn’t realized how much he longed to say those words until his voice was hoarse and his heart ached from love so deep which he never hoped to ever be returned.

Tell him, Dwalin often said, harsh suggestion in his voice, patience and understanding in his eyes, an odd but endearing combination only old friends could achieve. Tell him, then at least Thorin would get some closure.

“Ah, but there is no closure,” Thorin said for the umpteenth time, looking at the glass of wine in his hand. He swirled it around and thought of Kili’s drunken laughter and singing and the smile he always gave Thorin when he took him home to regain sobriety ( _You’re so kind to me_ , he said to Thorin once, face buried in the fur of Thorin’s coat, and Thorin had never been happier knowing that Kili thought he had been kind to him). “There will never be any closure for me.”

* * *

“Why aren’t you resting?”

Thorin turned to Kili with a smile. He hadn’t had much time to properly talk to Kili or even looked at him properly since he arrived in Bag End, but now as the company settled down to sleep, he finally had a moment of rare privacy and he intended to take advantage of that. It was reckless and selfish, perhaps, but with the quest looming who knew which moment would be their last? The thought was grim and painful but it was an undeniable reality. Thorin couldn’t let a moment with Kili, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant, went by.

“I’m not tired yet.” Thorin said as he studied Kili, who looked relieved to know he wasn’t bothering him. The firelight dancing on Kili’s skin reminded Thorin of gold in the Lonely Mountain. That’s how Kili should look like, Thorin thought, clad in the finest fabric and decorated with gold jewelries, a prince of a prosperous kingdom. That’s what he would do when he got Erebor back. He would give Kili anything he asked for, anything that could make him smile, anything that would bring him joy. “I heard you had an argument with your mother.”

Kili’s face reddened but he looked determined. “She worries, but this is something I have to do. I’m going with you.”

For a moment Thorin thought that Kili joined the quest out of affection for him. But that wasn’t entirely true, was it? Oh, he had no doubt Kili loved him, but only as a sister-son, never in the way Thorin loved him. “And what of the young lady I often see you with?”

A smile grew on Kili’s face. There was embarrassment there along with hope, determination, and happiness and Thorin’s breath temporarily stalled. Oh. So that’s how it was.

“What did you promise her?”

Kili shrugged, trying unsuccessfully to appear nonchalant. “Only the finest ring in all of Erebor.”

Thorin thought of the smile she brought to Kili’s face, the light that appeared in his eyes at the sight of her, the courage and optimism she inspired within him. He thought of himself, his cruel words and difficult character, the sacrifice he’d require and the bliss he likely wouldn’t be able to deliver. Thorin turned his eyes to the hearth and let the firelight sting his eyes for a moment. He never hoped, but something within him still broke as that door was shut for him forever.

“She will have it,” He assured Kili with a smile. And she would. If that was what Kili wanted then Thorin would give it to him, then that would be his goal. Thorin clasped Kili’s shoulder and steered him to rest with the others. When Thorin settled to sleep that night, he found his lashes slightly damp but he closed his eyes and slept with a smile, having found another reason to reclaim Arkenstone and the throne. He would give the ring to Kili even if that was the last thing he did.

* * *

“Kili.”

Kili caressed his face tenderly, as Thorin placed a kiss upon his heart. Thorin knelt before him, kissing his fingertips and palms and whispering his name like a prayer. Kili indulged him, allowing Thorin to touch and kiss him as he wished. He smiled playfully as if they were playing a game, but while it was perhaps a game for him, for Thorin it was something with far deeper meaning. He opened his mouth to explain but stopped himself by muffling a whisper of the lad’s name on the back of Kili’s hand. He lightly ran his fingers down the young dwarf’s body. Kili laughed when Thorin’s fingers found ticklish spots on his sides and the king laughed along with him.

“Kili,” Thorin whispered as he cupped the archer’s face, watching it lit up with joy. “Kili,” He breathed as kissed the lad’s forehead. His eyes then drifted down to perfect lips but he dared not kissed them. Instead, Thorin rest his forehead on Kili’s and breathed the familiar scent of home, of a place where he finally belonged, and wrapped his arms around Kili as if he was the most precious thing in the world. Kili’s fingers ghosted upon his neck and Thorin closed his eyes with a sigh, surrendering everything he had-his heart, his soul, his body. “Kili.”

Sharp knocking on the door shattered the image of a lover. Thorin opened his eyes abruptly, blinking at the ceiling. His arms felt empty, his chest hollow, his body cold. He turned to the other side of his bed, foolishly hoping for a sign of Kili’s presence. But there was no one there, only himself tangled in dreams. Thorin released as tiny ‘oh’ as the ghost of a lover faded and reality sank in. Suddenly the bed seemed too large around him and he felt so small and alone.

The knocking came again. “Your Majesty?”

Thorin took a deep breath and slowly left the bed. His body felt light as a paper but his soul felt as heavy as a mountain. His covered himself with a silk robe, thinking that this was the day the healing of his heart began. But then he recalled a youthful body lying still on red earth, life seeped out by arrows and blades, eyes staring blankly to the sky. The smile that always comforted Thorin was gone. The laughter that always made him happy was gone. The selfless affection he fought for was no more.

Thorin’s body seized up in pain. He held himself tight as he shuddered in internal agony. He thought of how during the quest he had grown cold and distant instead of loving, ignoring love in favor of make-believe future. At the end, he had left Kili only with harsh words of orders and demands, not love he deserved, not love Thorin vowed to give, and now it was too late to repair the damage, to ask for forgiveness, to make up for his mistakes.

For a moment, it seemed impossible to go on, to live on, to move on when there’s no one for him to fight for, when it was no longer possible to make the one he loved happy. Now Thorin had everything he had wanted, but lost the reason to want. Why should he keep trying? Why should he keep making efforts? But he must be strong. There were thousands expecting a better life from him. Erebor needed a competent king, not a grieving not-lover.

Thorin’s hands shook as a sharp pang of longing stabbed his heart. He took slow deep breaths, counting seconds to soothe the aching void in his chest. His eyes stung but he withheld his tears. With one deep shuddery inhalation, Thorin squared his shoulders and lovingly locked the memories away. He invited his attendants into his room and prepared himself for another day without Kili by his side.

* * *

Fili talked endlessly during dinner, reporting everything he had seen and learnt that day. It was as if he compensated the loss of his late brother, speaking for two instead of one. Sometimes Fili’s fingers played with a gold necklace with the symbol of the sun Kili had chosen for him when they entered Erebor for the first time but the crack in his mask grew rarer and rarer with each day.

Dis still wore black and her face still too pale but was unstoppable. She talked to lords and ladies, concocting plans of trades and political strategies, assuming the role meant to be taken by her many decades ago. But when no one’s looking there was a hint of deep sadness in her eyes as she touched the runestone she wore as a necklace which settled above her heart.

The quiet young lady who had only recently learnt to smile again was listening to Dis, a brilliant student. She claimed her heart was sealed in the crypt below Erebor and vowed her life to the line of Durin. In her ring finger was the ring promised to her, a gold band with the finest pieces of jewels in the land.

The rest of the company celebrated life and victory as best as those who had witnessed horror upon earth could. They laughed, sang, and danced but once in a while they spoke in a hushed tone, with small nostalgic smiles, remembering the kind young prince taken away from them too soon. 

Thorin looked at his empty hands and felt his barren heart throb. There was nothing left for him by Kili. However, he knew Kili. He knew Kili had understood, he knew Kili had forgiven him. While he had no physical memento from his love, when he closed his eyes he could see that smile again, hear that voice again, feel that touch again. When he closed his eyes, his memory of Kili came alive. In his mind Kili was happy-far happier than Thorin could ever make him feel. And that, Thorin thought, was very nearly enough. He kept the memories of Kili-his first love, last love, only love-in his mind as his most valuable treasure, protected them with love which would never die, until the day his final breath left his lungs.

**Author's Note:**

> This is for lovers who shall not be named,  
> Those who harbor silent affection  
> And watch quiet from too far,  
> Those who wish  
> Not for a chance to be together  
> But to see a happy smile;  
> Lovers who won’t be mentioned  
> For their affection is their own,  
> For they have only the right to bear  
> Love in the privacy of their minds  
> Or confess, maybe, before select company;  
> Lovers who miss the chance they never get  
> Nor wish to have  
> For they know they’re far from the best  
> For those most dear to their hearts,  
> Who cry with a smile  
> And smile with tears in their eyes;  
> Lovers who won’t ever forget  
> The names etched in their hearts,  
> Whispered in their minds,  
> Kissed in their dreams,  
> But wake up without companion  
> Of anything other than secrets  
> And try to be strong  
> For the world without care that spins on.
> 
> Lovers who love to love  
> And care little of being loved,  
> Here’s to us [[x](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/post/83575318130/this-is-for-lovers-who-shall-not-be-named-those)]


End file.
